Directly before my husband leapt into the arms of another woman I remember chanting daily to Kali-Ma to remove the obstacles of my life. I was unhappy and had been for years. I was so miserable I had pondered more than once just ending it all on some lonely drunken night. That was two years ago this Spring and I can now finally see what the purpose of all the pain was.
Even though some part of me had known for years that I needed to leave my marriage, there were still times during the affair when I was sure I would go mad trying to hold my life together, trying to keep someone in my life whose time had passed. It wasn’t until the Summer of 2008 that it all struck me and I knew it was time to let go for good.
Throughout the course of my marriage there were times when I had given up on love and on the idea that I would actually one day be understood and cared for in the way that I needed. You see, my husband and I hadn’t connected in a very long time. I wonder now if we ever really did. He is a good man, just no longer the right match for me. We married very young and as time passed we became two very different people who didn't exactly bring out the best in each other. I was a child when we met and I am now a woman with a full life behind her and ahead of her.
Over that Summer something hit me like a brick in the face. There was more out there, there was something else and it was coming my way. It was time for a shift, for things to change. I noticed that I had been focusing on the Crone for some time. Kali and Persephone had been patron Goddesses of mine since before all the changes began. I felt their transformative power begin to take root within me and along with that came some sort of acceptance.
I’m not very good at acceptance. In fact, I’m terrible at it. But despite what I wanted to accept, the Crone, in all her wisdom, managed to destroy my life with one swift movement of her hand and everything fell into a sort of chaos that I had never experienced before. I was lost in the entropy of every day, stuck in a haze of anger and fear. Then one day (that warm Summer afternoon) the acceptance just settled upon me like a gentle kiss that had flown in on a sweet wind and nestled its way into my heart.
It wasn’t until the Winter (the time of the Crone) when I finally made my decision to end my marriage forever. As I ushered in 2009 I was suddenly an autonomous woman with a world of possibilities ahead of me. As to be expected with any change, the season was one of turbulence. There were emotions and heartbreaks, both old and new, that overtook my days and ruled my thoughts. And then there was Spring.
A few weeks before the Vernal Equinox I was struck with something new, something strong and irresistible. I didn’t understand any of it at first; the feelings, the pull, the power. But as the first day of Spring hit I knew what I had been looking for was right in front of me and I knew I had found love – the kind of love you don’t pass up.
So I write this now a changed woman, a woman who feels more whole and understood in her life. All that I had been pining for over the years finally seems to have landed on my front door. The future looks so bright and I am unendingly grateful to the Goddess, the Universe, and to myself for all that I have been given. It’s amazing what can happen when you finally take control of your own life.
Labels: everyday life, life, life experiences, reflections
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