03.22.94 - Dreaming Ostara

I am officailly insane. I went to bed last night shortly after my solitary rite and the ritual cakes and ale. Just after climbing under the covers I heard a voice - Sean's voice. He said "I am still here, Aleigh."

I jumped from the bed and looked around to see him materialize in front of my eyes. He was smiling, but in that sad way he sometimes has. I felt me heart leap into my throat at the sight of him - I thought he was still alive somehow. I reached out to touch him, but my hand went straight through his chest. Then the awful memory of burrying him under the stones of our ancient home hit me like one of those obscenely fast trains. I think I did a lot of crying then as he told me about the sacredness of the sabbats and how he could get away from the demon to see me on those eight days. He continued to speak to me as I sobbed and kept trying to touch my face then pulling away as he remembered he couldn't.

"You need to start working on the notes I left you. I have seen a little ways ahead, and from what I can tell, there are some important times coming into view. And the notes could take a very long time to figure out since they are written in a code. I can help with the code, of course," he said.

I wanted him to stop taking about the damned research notes and tell me he loved me and that I would be okay someday even though he was gone - something comforting - something to give me even a moment of peace! I realized then that I was angry with him in some way. I knew I shouldn't be, but I feel so out of control when it comes to my thoughts and emotions.

"And be sure you keep your mind closed Aleigh. I need you to remember those things. Do you hear me?" He fairly yelled the words at me.

"Yes. I hear you. I can't do this Sean," I told him.

"You can because you have to," he said. "For us."

Then he got as close as he could to me - without touching - and I thought I could smell that sweet and spicy scent on him.

"God, I miss you," he said. That made me break into another round of tears. I wished with every bone in my body that I could just kiss his lips one more time and feel the fuzziness along his lip on my cheek.

"Hey, did you know that if you look at a llama long enough they will spit on you," he said with raised brows. "And if you keep staring at them, they vomit on you."

I laughed at him despite my tears. I had the urge to give him a playful smack and he backed away with a chuckle.

"I knew I could get a smile out of you," he said.

We spent the hours leading up to midnight talking and laughing as we always did when he was alive.

I woke up this morning with the faint smell of cinnamon in my room and a tear stained pillow. I'm sure I was dreaming. It couldn't have really been Sean. Could it?

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