03.25.95 - Guilty

Okay, so it's been a while since I wrote in this thing, but I guess I actually have somethign to say now. I have met someone. There is a person in my life that makes me feel again. The relationship has not become physical, but I canít say I don't want it to. I'm absolutely terrified. I donít know what to do about it, and the guilt is eating me away.

I still see Sean eight times a year, and once a year I meet him on the astral to make love. Itís like a long distance relationship of severe proportions. Itís like he's in prison and we can visit each other on the holidays and once a year we get a conjugal visit. I do not want to betray his love, and I don't want to be happy when he has no choice but to be miserable. And the reason for that misery is me. I can't help but think that he's only been gone a little more than a year.

I think I need to meditate on this or something. I'm not sure a spell will work, not to mention it's not my style to fix things with magick. The answers are in me if I can find them.

I have noticed that I am becoming less dedicated to my studies and to decoding Sean's notes. I canít let that happen. This relationship can not be allowed to progress into deep emotions.

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